being honest.

Some days are good, some days ar bad. I had a bad day today. It started with a bad evening yesterday. Going home after a university course I felt more and more sad and exhausted. I tried to spend a normal evening, told my sister I wasn't in the mood to go out. I tried to have an early night. It didn't worked out. I couldn't sleep and so I spend three hours of watching netflix until I finally fell asleep way after 1am. I woke up and felt tired. I didn't felt like working at all, so I had an lazy morning and out of the lazy morning became a lazy afternoon. Around midday I felt like crap and thought about self-harming. I knew I should get out of bed and do something and after watching a few videos I did it. I drew the bouquet that a friend got me for my birthday. I know that I'm not the best at drawing, but it calmes me. For now I'm ignoring my sister that told me I could come to a party right outside my house with her. I would have wished she would come and get me to come with her, that she feels that that's what I need, but I know that's too much to want. For a short time I wanted my parents, who drove my sister here, to just take me home with them and it made me sad that they didn't got by to say hello. & I also regret that I didn't went with them to visit my grandma and our old home, because I had uni stuff to do that I didn't even started. But that's how it is. I think I'm going to surpress my worries and weird feelings with food for now. Sorry for the depressing post, but that's how it is.

to be or not to be.

1 Person out of 10 is gay. That's what they say. Did you ever look around, like in a class out of 24 people, who it might be? I did. Due to the statistics, 2 people out of my school class and 4 out of my graduation class are gay or to be political correct, homosexual. But I never knew how many there really were nor who it was.
Being homosexual nowadays seems a lot easier than it was years ago, but it's still not as easy as it should be. The age of social media opened up new ways of coming out. People are posting videos, writing books and articles about being gay and the experience of coming out. Not everyone gets as much acceptance from their family as they deserve. Some people even get thrown out of their homes or have to flee from persecution. Not only mothers and fathers, but political systems who try to convert homosexuals 'back' to 'normal'.
But I don't think coming out to other people is the hardest part. I guess it's the coming out to yourself. The final acceptance that you're different. The goodbye from the 'traditional' life you got taught to dream of since you made your first step. I don't want to say that you can't still dream of it, but it's going to be harder to achieve than it is to heterosexual couples, especially in some countries of the world. Nearly one year ago the USA declared same sex marriage as legal and many countries followed. Many, but not every. In Germany homosexual couples still haven't got the same rights as heterosexual couples. In that fact they can't really 'marry' in the sence of a legal marriage or adopt children. In other countries, like the Arabic countries, where they got no rights, not to get started.
But now back to the coming out to yourself. It's not a decision you make. I like to think of it like a journey. It is a constant fight in your head of different thoughts. 'It's okay to be gay', 'I'm definetly not gay, I mean, I would know if I were, would I?', 'What if I was gay?', 'How would I know if I was gay?', 'No, you're not gay, you're just freaking about growing up', 'I'm not gay, I'm dreaming of a life with .....'.
To be honest, I feel like I am in that constant battle. Sometimes I think, that I'm not gay, but very confused. Sometimes I think I might be gay, or bisexual. Bisexuality is something my head is more able to accept than being homosexual. But at the same spot, I always have got a phrase that my mother uses to say in my head: "Besser bi als nie", which means something like: "It's better to be bisexual than to never get some(one)". I hate it when she says that. Things like that make me wonder if my family could accept me being bi/homosexual. Not to mention my relatives like my grandmother or aunts, uncles and cousins. I even don't know what my friends would say. I don't have a lot of friends and less of them are real close friends. Additionally my 'home', where my family lives is very rural and news like this spread fast and aren't necessarily accepted. Even though I know that's not what counts.
To come to an end I just want to throw out one last thought: I have asked myself why the common English term for being homosexual is to be gay. I think it is, because coming out is not easy, it brings a lot of unknown with itself, but when you're finally out, knowing and accepting the person you are, you're more appreciating and there for happy, at least that's what I'm hoping for when I finally know who I am.

Isn't it crazy how time flies?

Everytime I write something in my diary, (yes I'm 20 years old now and I still write in a diary sometimes) I wonder how it's possible that the last time I wrote something was weeks, sometimes month ago. Especially this year so far went sooo fast. I can't believe it's already may the 24th. With this blog it's the same thing. I kind of rediscovered it a few weeks ago and wanted to start writing again. I had so much thoughts in my mind that I thought this would be a nice way to get them out of my mind and share them, even though I don't think anybody is reading this, but there is still the possibility.
I want to try to write more blogposts as I did the last year, but I can't guarantee that it's going to work out, because I've got a few busy weeks of university ahead. Maybe I will look back in a few month and wonder once again where the time went.

xo.

Here we go again.

You know what I suck at? I suck at carry on doing stuff. I started this blog in march when there was not that much to do (besides some stupid seminar papers I had to write), because I was on vacation at home and the new semester was still a month before it started. I thought it might be fun. I thought I might practice my English skills writing about some stuff that was going on in my life and through my mind. Well, I did start the blog. I spent hours of searching for the right name, layout and a picture for the frontpage. It took me quite some time to write a single post, not to mention to find the right words in English. I planned some other posts, that I never really ended up doing, because I told myself that I didn't had the time anymore. Also I started to work on making videos this summer. I've put the first one up and was working on some further videos and then again there was some university stuff to work on again and I spent my free time procrastinating and not getting it done. That's quite an issue I've got. I would like to be that person being so super organized and having the guts to getting my shit done, instead I spent two days of watching youtube videos and not reading the pile of texts I should have read until tomorrow morning. So that is what's going on right now, maybe I'll start to write again, maybe I'll finish the video I kind of planned, I don't know. I just know that I'm freaked out about the work I've got ahead of me for the next month. Here we go again.

veganism?

Today I have been to a lecture about veganism (According to the time it was actually yesterday, but still kind of today). It really made me think more about the mentality of our society. Is it really necessary to eat meat on a daily basis? Do we need to eat cheap and fast? Do you think you would continue to eat meat if you had to slaughter each animal you're about to eat?
For me I can say no. I haven't eaten any meat since nearly a year and even before that I refused to eat it most of the times for a few years now. But I refused to define me as a vegetarian, because I don't like the boundary the word creates. Writing that down I have to admit that I've eaten tuna once, but as I ate it I felt kind of guilty, because to me fish isn't any different than other animal and I do like to eat gummy bears and I guess most of them include gelatine of animals. So technically I'm not a vegetarian I just don't eat meat, even though I'm more likely to consider myself as a vegetarian now. I also feel to say you're a vegetarian or you are vegan builts up pressure towards other people and that's another thing I don't like. I hate when people make fun of the way of living of another person in terms of their diet. Me myself accept when people don't decide to change their eating behaviours, but I expect them to show that acceptance, too.
You do you and I do me.
To continue the topic of vegetarian/vegan diet: At first I started to not eat meat not for the animals but for not liking the taste of meat, not actually eating animals was a nice side effect that grew more important from time to time. Last month I started to drink soy milk instead of cow's milk just giving it a try. It doesn't taste the same and pure soy milk isn't that delicious, but it's okay to go with your cereal and there is a huge variety of plant-based milk that tastes better, even though it's a little more pricey.
I'm not sure yet if I'll take the step and try the vegan lifestyle, but I want to be more aware of what I'm eating. That is the aspect of the vegan topic besides the thought of animals being locked up with small amount of space and life quality that I think is the most important.

hello.

Now I'm finally here writing my very first post on this blog. I feel slightly weird writing in English always wondering whether the last sentence was proper English. As you might notice English isn't my mother tongue. I really like the English language, not only because it's told to be an easy language (and I'm quite bad in grammar), I like the sound (and the different accents) and the fact that English is a language that connects people all over the world. At the moment I would really like to go to the UK some day soon. I could imagine myself to spend a year abroad, even though I'm kind of an anxious person, not that I'm having anxiety attacks, but I worry way too much. In addition to that I would consider myself as an introvert rather shy person, which obviously aren't the best conditions to spend a year abroad on my own. On the other side I would really like to do stuff and gain experiences, but in the back of my mind there is always something holding me back. The last few weeks I isolated myself from the outside and there was a lot on my mind, that I'm now starting to sort out. I want to make my life worth living, waking up in the morning being grateful for the day and stop caring about what other people might think of me as long as I like what I do.