to be or not to be.

1 Person out of 10 is gay. That's what they say. Did you ever look around, like in a class out of 24 people, who it might be? I did. Due to the statistics, 2 people out of my school class and 4 out of my graduation class are gay or to be political correct, homosexual. But I never knew how many there really were nor who it was.
Being homosexual nowadays seems a lot easier than it was years ago, but it's still not as easy as it should be. The age of social media opened up new ways of coming out. People are posting videos, writing books and articles about being gay and the experience of coming out. Not everyone gets as much acceptance from their family as they deserve. Some people even get thrown out of their homes or have to flee from persecution. Not only mothers and fathers, but political systems who try to convert homosexuals 'back' to 'normal'.
But I don't think coming out to other people is the hardest part. I guess it's the coming out to yourself. The final acceptance that you're different. The goodbye from the 'traditional' life you got taught to dream of since you made your first step. I don't want to say that you can't still dream of it, but it's going to be harder to achieve than it is to heterosexual couples, especially in some countries of the world. Nearly one year ago the USA declared same sex marriage as legal and many countries followed. Many, but not every. In Germany homosexual couples still haven't got the same rights as heterosexual couples. In that fact they can't really 'marry' in the sence of a legal marriage or adopt children. In other countries, like the Arabic countries, where they got no rights, not to get started.
But now back to the coming out to yourself. It's not a decision you make. I like to think of it like a journey. It is a constant fight in your head of different thoughts. 'It's okay to be gay', 'I'm definetly not gay, I mean, I would know if I were, would I?', 'What if I was gay?', 'How would I know if I was gay?', 'No, you're not gay, you're just freaking about growing up', 'I'm not gay, I'm dreaming of a life with .....'.
To be honest, I feel like I am in that constant battle. Sometimes I think, that I'm not gay, but very confused. Sometimes I think I might be gay, or bisexual. Bisexuality is something my head is more able to accept than being homosexual. But at the same spot, I always have got a phrase that my mother uses to say in my head: "Besser bi als nie", which means something like: "It's better to be bisexual than to never get some(one)". I hate it when she says that. Things like that make me wonder if my family could accept me being bi/homosexual. Not to mention my relatives like my grandmother or aunts, uncles and cousins. I even don't know what my friends would say. I don't have a lot of friends and less of them are real close friends. Additionally my 'home', where my family lives is very rural and news like this spread fast and aren't necessarily accepted. Even though I know that's not what counts.
To come to an end I just want to throw out one last thought: I have asked myself why the common English term for being homosexual is to be gay. I think it is, because coming out is not easy, it brings a lot of unknown with itself, but when you're finally out, knowing and accepting the person you are, you're more appreciating and there for happy, at least that's what I'm hoping for when I finally know who I am.