being honest.

Some days are good, some days ar bad. I had a bad day today. It started with a bad evening yesterday. Going home after a university course I felt more and more sad and exhausted. I tried to spend a normal evening, told my sister I wasn't in the mood to go out. I tried to have an early night. It didn't worked out. I couldn't sleep and so I spend three hours of watching netflix until I finally fell asleep way after 1am. I woke up and felt tired. I didn't felt like working at all, so I had an lazy morning and out of the lazy morning became a lazy afternoon. Around midday I felt like crap and thought about self-harming. I knew I should get out of bed and do something and after watching a few videos I did it. I drew the bouquet that a friend got me for my birthday. I know that I'm not the best at drawing, but it calmes me. For now I'm ignoring my sister that told me I could come to a party right outside my house with her. I would have wished she would come and get me to come with her, that she feels that that's what I need, but I know that's too much to want. For a short time I wanted my parents, who drove my sister here, to just take me home with them and it made me sad that they didn't got by to say hello. & I also regret that I didn't went with them to visit my grandma and our old home, because I had uni stuff to do that I didn't even started. But that's how it is. I think I'm going to surpress my worries and weird feelings with food for now. Sorry for the depressing post, but that's how it is.

to be or not to be.

1 Person out of 10 is gay. That's what they say. Did you ever look around, like in a class out of 24 people, who it might be? I did. Due to the statistics, 2 people out of my school class and 4 out of my graduation class are gay or to be political correct, homosexual. But I never knew how many there really were nor who it was.
Being homosexual nowadays seems a lot easier than it was years ago, but it's still not as easy as it should be. The age of social media opened up new ways of coming out. People are posting videos, writing books and articles about being gay and the experience of coming out. Not everyone gets as much acceptance from their family as they deserve. Some people even get thrown out of their homes or have to flee from persecution. Not only mothers and fathers, but political systems who try to convert homosexuals 'back' to 'normal'.
But I don't think coming out to other people is the hardest part. I guess it's the coming out to yourself. The final acceptance that you're different. The goodbye from the 'traditional' life you got taught to dream of since you made your first step. I don't want to say that you can't still dream of it, but it's going to be harder to achieve than it is to heterosexual couples, especially in some countries of the world. Nearly one year ago the USA declared same sex marriage as legal and many countries followed. Many, but not every. In Germany homosexual couples still haven't got the same rights as heterosexual couples. In that fact they can't really 'marry' in the sence of a legal marriage or adopt children. In other countries, like the Arabic countries, where they got no rights, not to get started.
But now back to the coming out to yourself. It's not a decision you make. I like to think of it like a journey. It is a constant fight in your head of different thoughts. 'It's okay to be gay', 'I'm definetly not gay, I mean, I would know if I were, would I?', 'What if I was gay?', 'How would I know if I was gay?', 'No, you're not gay, you're just freaking about growing up', 'I'm not gay, I'm dreaming of a life with .....'.
To be honest, I feel like I am in that constant battle. Sometimes I think, that I'm not gay, but very confused. Sometimes I think I might be gay, or bisexual. Bisexuality is something my head is more able to accept than being homosexual. But at the same spot, I always have got a phrase that my mother uses to say in my head: "Besser bi als nie", which means something like: "It's better to be bisexual than to never get some(one)". I hate it when she says that. Things like that make me wonder if my family could accept me being bi/homosexual. Not to mention my relatives like my grandmother or aunts, uncles and cousins. I even don't know what my friends would say. I don't have a lot of friends and less of them are real close friends. Additionally my 'home', where my family lives is very rural and news like this spread fast and aren't necessarily accepted. Even though I know that's not what counts.
To come to an end I just want to throw out one last thought: I have asked myself why the common English term for being homosexual is to be gay. I think it is, because coming out is not easy, it brings a lot of unknown with itself, but when you're finally out, knowing and accepting the person you are, you're more appreciating and there for happy, at least that's what I'm hoping for when I finally know who I am.

Isn't it crazy how time flies?

Everytime I write something in my diary, (yes I'm 20 years old now and I still write in a diary sometimes) I wonder how it's possible that the last time I wrote something was weeks, sometimes month ago. Especially this year so far went sooo fast. I can't believe it's already may the 24th. With this blog it's the same thing. I kind of rediscovered it a few weeks ago and wanted to start writing again. I had so much thoughts in my mind that I thought this would be a nice way to get them out of my mind and share them, even though I don't think anybody is reading this, but there is still the possibility.
I want to try to write more blogposts as I did the last year, but I can't guarantee that it's going to work out, because I've got a few busy weeks of university ahead. Maybe I will look back in a few month and wonder once again where the time went.

xo.